Hold What You Got

July 24, 2008

I recently read an article heralding the below band- The Saturdays- as heiresses to Girls Aloud’s crown. Treachery. Let’s pop the video up here, then logically deconstruct it step by step, in order to show how Cheryl, Nadine, Sarah, Kimberly and Nicola how little they have to fear.

0.06 Seconds: There’s a breathy ‘yeah’, mimicing at best, Cascada, at worst, the Latvian Eurovision entry circa 1995.

0.08 Seconds: Some disgruntled girls walk past the location where the video is set. Are they angry because they’re not members of The Saturdays? Probably not.

0.16 Seconds: There is a lot of hairspray used. Clearly The Saturdays have no enviornmental conscience.

0.39 Seconds: Member X of The Saturdays is eyed up and down by Member Y. Jealousy? Hardly. Boredom? Probably.

0.43 Seconds: Everyone stands up. Hopefully this means the video is over.

0.46 Seconds: Even the director is fed up.

1.00 Minutes: The video is not over. They’re simply walking en masse to the clever post-modern performance area. It’s a shop front you see. Genius. They’re still using industrial amounts of hairspray though.

1.36 Minutes: If you’ve been watching carefully, you’ll notice that they’re all wearing the same shoes, except in different colours. First it was neon high heels, now it’s clunky wedges. This is because, in case the point hasn’t been made yet, they’re in a band.

1.41 Minutes: Someone in the crowd tries the stun them with the flash off their camera. A brave tactic, but the hairspray smokescreen shields the band.

2.10 Minutes: Jonny tries his luck. Member X isn’t having it.

2.35 Minutes: Member Z has a virtuoso ‘No no no’. In a week she’ll have left the band in order to persue a solo career.

2.42 Minutes: Member W has a bit of a sit down.

2.52 Minutes: Member Z is at it again. Maybe she’ll leave the band tomorrow at this stage.

3.04 Minutes: The band leave the stage. The crowd cheer wildly. I can understand why.

3.14 Minutes: A young fan is introduced. She’s probably too young to have heard of Girls Aloud.

3.21 Minutes: The track ends.

I haven’t discussed the track itself, I know. That’s because it’s got about as much substance as a Lisa Scott Lee/Danni Minogue collaboration B-Side.

Forget about The Saturdays. Hopefully they’ll wither and return to their wildly stimulating jobs in retail very soon. In the meantime, soothe your eyes and ears with what is possibly the greatest debut single of all time:

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5 Responses to “Hold What You Got”

  1. Susan said

    2 of them were in S club juniors. Don’t ask how i know this….

  2. seriously. what is with all the l’oreal ellnett hairspray! did they sponsor the ‘vid’ or what? it’s tragically funny. as they prance en masse you can see puffs of spray popping up behind their heads. cringe!

    i don’t think nadine & co. will be losing any sleep over saturday anytime soon

    đŸ™‚ xx

  3. bluebirdsaresonatural said

    It’s like that awful video Kylie did for the ‘locomotion’ that was sponsored- gratuitously- by Impulse body spray…Mank…

  4. CiarĂ¡n said

    No no no no, this is ALL wrong. I’m going to blow all of your arguments out of the water in 5…4…3…2…hang on…(scratches head)…um…

    Well, I like that they seem to be performing in a shop window display. Will this do?

    About the track itself, I’m happy with flimsy vocals getting draped over tunes that get nicked from creaky old records. The “Richard X Presents His X Factor Volume 1” is full of that, a 1981 record transported to 2003.

    I’m not going to convince you am I? But I see you’re into fashion so I’m sure we can find some common ground there. Also, must agree with your praise for Girls Aloud there. đŸ™‚

    CiarĂ¡n

  5. […] September 16, 2008 There is nothing that the world needs more at this moment in time than a new Boyzone song. And what a song it is. And what a video. In fact. In fact in fact in fact it might be time to conduct another one of our famous seminars in Video Deconstruction. […]

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