Hold What You Got
July 24, 2008
I recently read an article heralding the below band- The Saturdays- as heiresses to Girls Aloud’s crown. Treachery. Let’s pop the video up here, then logically deconstruct it step by step, in order to show how Cheryl, Nadine, Sarah, Kimberly and Nicola how little they have to fear.
0.06 Seconds: There’s a breathy ‘yeah’, mimicing at best, Cascada, at worst, the Latvian Eurovision entry circa 1995.
0.08 Seconds: Some disgruntled girls walk past the location where the video is set. Are they angry because they’re not members of The Saturdays? Probably not.
0.16 Seconds: There is a lot of hairspray used. Clearly The Saturdays have no enviornmental conscience.
0.39 Seconds: Member X of The Saturdays is eyed up and down by Member Y. Jealousy? Hardly. Boredom? Probably.
0.43 Seconds: Everyone stands up. Hopefully this means the video is over.
0.46 Seconds: Even the director is fed up.
1.00 Minutes: The video is not over. They’re simply walking en masse to the clever post-modern performance area. It’s a shop front you see. Genius. They’re still using industrial amounts of hairspray though.
1.36 Minutes: If you’ve been watching carefully, you’ll notice that they’re all wearing the same shoes, except in different colours. First it was neon high heels, now it’s clunky wedges. This is because, in case the point hasn’t been made yet, they’re in a band.
1.41 Minutes: Someone in the crowd tries the stun them with the flash off their camera. A brave tactic, but the hairspray smokescreen shields the band.
2.10 Minutes: Jonny tries his luck. Member X isn’t having it.
2.35 Minutes: Member Z has a virtuoso ‘No no no’. In a week she’ll have left the band in order to persue a solo career.
2.42 Minutes: Member W has a bit of a sit down.
2.52 Minutes: Member Z is at it again. Maybe she’ll leave the band tomorrow at this stage.
3.04 Minutes: The band leave the stage. The crowd cheer wildly. I can understand why.
3.14 Minutes: A young fan is introduced. She’s probably too young to have heard of Girls Aloud.
3.21 Minutes: The track ends.
I haven’t discussed the track itself, I know. That’s because it’s got about as much substance as a Lisa Scott Lee/Danni Minogue collaboration B-Side.
Forget about The Saturdays. Hopefully they’ll wither and return to their wildly stimulating jobs in retail very soon. In the meantime, soothe your eyes and ears with what is possibly the greatest debut single of all time: